My Top 24 One-liner Jokes!


  1. I would give my dad what he really wants on Father’s Day, but I can’t afford to move out yet.
  2. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  3. Never laugh at your girlfriends choices… you’re one of them.
  4. Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
  5. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
  6. Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
  7. A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
  8. I changed my password to “incorrect”, So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”
  9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  10. I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
  11. I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
  12. That awkward moment when you leave a shop without buying anything and all you can think is “act natural, you’re innocent”.
  13. Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
  14. When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.
  15. I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
  16. Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him, I’m a mile away and I have his shoes.
  17. The difference between “Girlfriend” and “Girl Friend” is that little space in between we call the “Friend Zone”.
  18. Is google a woman? Because it won’t let you finish your sentence without coming up with other suggestions.
  19. Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I’ve been doing nothing for years.
  20. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t.
  21. One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
  22. I’m the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
  23. Time waits for no man, time is obviously a woman.
  24. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.



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